Disappointing results of 2013 and the motto "Do what you must and be what will be"
For several days now, news feeds in social networks are full of the results of the previous 2013. I read, I am glad, everyone has very rich and interesting years. I would also like to write something positive, but my result of the previous year was disappointing: little has been done, the business is not developing very much, there is no clarity in life, there are also misunderstandings with Yegor. So now I will dispel our image of a happy and successful family :)
Anyone who wants to read only the positive, probably should not read this post..
The content of the article
How we met 2014 in Thailand
In general, I do not really like holidays, because I do not know how to rejoice on a schedule. Earlier, when for me any celebration meant a binge, I loved this business. Have a tasty meal in the company of friends, then have a drink, so that all the restraining chains and complexes are removed, to smoke ... But at some point, food and drink became uninteresting to me, and I began to try to learn to be happy without doping. Since then, I have not had a holiday on schedule. Honestly, I tried to entertain myself as usual a couple of times, but even after a little drunk (when drunk) I feel terribly stupid.
So, the New Year for me and my birthday, these are peculiar milestones. As a rule, these days you want to hide somewhere in a corner and just think about everything, analyze the previous year and understand what needs to be done next. No, these are not some to-do lists with check marks; rather, it is some kind of another awareness of your place in this world. Are you there? What do you do in life? In general, on such days you don't want to celebrate anything. However, people around me need this holiday, so every time I get out of my shell and celebrate :)
On December 31st, we in the family circle sat at a small festive table and watched a kind film «The Irony of Fate». It's great that the Internet allows you to turn on some Russian channels online. We didn’t meet 12 o'clock, because at that moment Daria was already numbing Yegor, but it’s not that important. We can say that we celebrated the New Year in another time zone, for example Vladivostok, whose President's congratulations we, by the way, downloaded. I don't know why listen to his sweet talk, but the family said «necessary».
Family party table
Fireworks outside the window, it's a pity the wrong side
2013 results
I will write mostly from myself, although Daria has similar thoughts.
Didn't accept the situation
First of all, I was never able to accept our situation with Yegor. More precisely, not the situation itself, but the circumstances that surround it. I still want to travel freely and live in different countries, not thinking about anything else, but at the moment this is impossible. Even our trip to Thailand is not entirely an alternative, because, unfortunately, our main issues related to the education and rehabilitation of our son are not fully resolved here. So soon we will go home, where everything is easier and easier in this regard..
And why am I not a homebody? Everything would be much simpler, they would live in one place, and periodically go to Turkey for a week's rest. And not only would I want to emigrate, I would also live in different countries all the time. But okay, with the latter it was still possible to somehow resolve the issue, you can often travel alone, but the move from Russia had to be done before birth. Now it's too late to choose a country.
Daria, on the other hand, could not accept the very situation that her son was not like everyone else. And the circumstances, consisting in the need to stay in Russia and with a minimum of travel, do not bother her. That would be a plus for our «adopting», would be one such advanced Buddhist :)
Traveling with your son is very difficult
I have to admit that we cannot travel with the whole family, so the inspirational rubric «Traveling with children is easy» we won't have it yet. And there will be tortured trips for the sake of the ocean / sun / air, made by volitional effort, but not for pleasure. I still remember our flight Moscow-Bangkok and a trip by car to Gelendzhik - yes, it's better to sit at home than to drive like that. Well, even outings for one day, tied to Yegor's sleep and with a thorough collection of things, is still a thrill. You prepare yourself as for an expedition, morally and physically, guess at the moment when Yegor slept well and behaves well, and then you go somewhere with this whirling whirligig, not having time to really look around. Daria has not wanted to go anywhere for a long time, but I periodically gain enthusiasm and persuade to ride.
That is why we do not go anywhere in Thailand now, there is no pleasure from the trip. Actually, it was the same in Russia. Yes, and everyday life also does not contribute to the availability of free time..
Business in stagnation
A little bit loudly said, but there is no development as such. I remind myself of a loader who decided to work in the second shift, instead of retraining. I am writing, writing. And if before everything suited me: you live, travel, write slowly, and there is enough money for everything, now some changes are clearly needed. And not so much because of finances, there are still enough of them, but how much because it cannot last so long - you need to earn more and spend less on work. The family requires more time from me, and also finances..
I thought for a year, but I never came up with any new directions where you can make money quickly. You may have to give up the principle of doing only what you like. For example, to start selling something :) I remember after the first winter in Tai I had a puzzle: my favorite job + earnings. That included everything at once: work, hobbies, rest, satisfaction of all needs in one bottle. Moreover, this activity also had prospects, even with such a leisurely conduct, I thought I would go around Thailand in a couple of years, I will describe everything, then I’ll move on. In 5-10 years I would have some very decent guidebooks based on personal experience. Even with the approach «loader» everything would have worked out during this time. But then the puzzle fell apart when the possibility of constant travel went away and the need to devote time not only to work came. For the last year I tried to reassemble the puzzle. Now, at the turn, I finally realized my mistake - you don't need to collect the old one, you need to collect a new puzzle, based on the current situation. The old can no longer be returned and there is no need to think about it at all. But this is what we return to the first point about accepting circumstances. I'm really sure, it's worth accepting and a new door will open.
Time is running out
So in 2013, we did not solve anything with Yegor's diagnosis, and even with his rehabilitation. And time is running out! And it seems like they tried somehow, but apparently not enough. I hope that our intuition, at least that Yegor needs sun, fruit and a warm climate this winter, did not let us down. I really hope that all this is not in vain.
Once they wrote to me that I have the ability to work with information. Sadly, this only applies to travel, because reading medical articles and in general everything related to the topic of special children, my head is spinning. I periodically read one topic on the forum about genetics, so there some parents are smarter than doctors, they themselves are going to do the decoding of genome sequencing! I don’t know how to figure it out ...
Weakness
Unfortunately, I can state our weakness. I read blogs of other parents with difficult children and am amazed at how they do everything and how they relate to what is happening. We are here periodically whining to each other how bad we are, how we do not have time to do anything, how many reasons we have that justify our poor progress. And there are people, and they work, and children rehabilitate, and even rest. Cool! They are great!
Okay, if only they did not have time for one thing, but there are two of us adults with separation of duties. Quite strange, probably, it looks from the outside, how I can not have time to work, and Daria not have time to fully engage with Yegor, because there are no other things to do. But the fact remains that statistics are stubborn things. Maybe, in addition to weakness, there is something else, such as inability to allocate time and a lack of some necessary balls in the head.
«Happy» married couple
Some people think our relationship is perfect, but this is far from the case. We have fought countless times this year, and just as many «got divorced». God, when you are in stress or dissatisfaction with yourself, so many claims to each other appear. Just like on a hike, when you recognize the essence of a person in difficulties. So it is here.
I thought about myself
In the course of this year, I thought too much about myself: what I would like to do, where I would like to live. And in theory, you should first think about Yegor. Since the best rehabilitation is in such and such a city / country, then you need to strain yourself, get money and go to this place, even if for a short time. Although, of course, the thought of completely moving to a country where my son can feel like a full-fledged person will hardly ever leave me.
Summary
Why did I write this self-flagellating post? It's simple - it's a report of what you didn't do. This is reality, no matter how unpleasant it is. Here on the blog pages I have always tried to be honest, it is just that sometimes I didn’t talk about something. So all this is written for yourself, so that later you can return to what was written in some minutes (results of 2012) and see what not to do, so that it does not happen again. And nothing more. I do not expect any encouraging words, and I will even say that I do not want to hear them! Because there is no need to regret, everything is fine with us, we have the right to be not positive sometimes, besides, self-criticism is good. But the main thing is that next year something should change, and not remain as it is. For me personally, these words are sobering, much better than «blah blah, everything is great, relax and everything will work out». I will read this post sometimes for motivation :)
But all of the above does not mean that nothing good has happened this year. It happened more than once! The most important thing is that Yegor has become more like a man, you can now communicate with him. Well, he kisses me on his own initiative, so not everything is lost :) We will soon write separately about Yegor, a kind of results of the year, so to speak.
Our favorite spotter of lives
Do what you must and be what will be
Recently, a good person told me: «Do what you must and be what will be». Damn right words! This is exactly what I would like to achieve in my life sooner or later. But in 2013 I screwed up and didn't understand these words except with my mind, because I never applied them in practice. After all, happiness is such an ephemeral thing, in fact not dependent on anything at all: neither from the country of residence, nor from work, nor from difficulties in life. From nothing! Everything is so simple and complicated at the same time. Try to learn how to be happy in the hustle and bustle of everyday life! Do not stuff your dissatisfaction inside yourself, lighting up with an invented smile, but on the contrary, really taste the taste of what you have. It is easy to say when everything is smooth in life, but do it when difficulties ...
And the worst thing is that we allow ourselves to become limp, although our life situation is not a stalemate. Again, what problems there are in the world, what is happening. Someone lives in a shack on bread and water, someone has three autists in their family. Yes, it’s ridiculous, probably, for such people to read about our phony difficulties: they live in Thailand, albeit temporarily, there are no loans and debts, their own housing in Moscow, some kind of remote earnings, but there is. Well, okay, it’s me again to our weaknesses passed.
In general, I really hope that in 2014 we will draw the right conclusions, stop whining and accept the situation in order to live on, and not regret the past. And in the end, we will implement the principle «Do what you must and be what will be.» Which, in fact, I wish everyone. Guys, appreciate life, whatever it is! With another frontier of you!